Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Loving a child who doesn't like you is very hard

We have had one of the worst weeks with Smalls last week. My brain is fried! I really don't know how we are still going. Last week was awful. It's hard to love someone when they are far from being thankful or even wants a relationship with you.

Smalls was in our church's Christmas play. She had one line. We have been practicing with her on that one line since September. This past Sunday, December 13, was the Christmas play, so naturally she tried to sabotage the whole thing. It started on the Sunday before the play, December 6th. She sabotaged that day with her behavior. I should have known at that point that the coming week was going to be a dark week for us. Monday and Tuesday were not too bad. We still had some behavioral issues, but it was manageable. Then comes, Wednesday. Honest moment here...I cried the entire day. Smalls has been doing terrible in school, not progressing like she should. She has an attachment disorder, not diagnosed, but the mother-child relationship is really hard for her. I homeschool her so that adds another relationship that she has to connect with me on. I think she is doing poorly in school, on purpose because I'm her teacher. On Wednesday, Smalls acted out in the worst way. She fought everything I did with her. She was not helpful, distant, and completely hateful towards me. Since we couldn't do school together, we had an 8 hour time in. She did nothing but sit beside me the whole day. She was not regulated and couldn't even process the words that I was saying to her. When she would calm down enough for me to talk to her, I would ask her to tell me how she is feeling, what she is thinking about, etc... And then she would get back into her rage. It was a constant back and forth. She was using her behavior to get out of going to her last rehearsal for the Christmas play. I'm not falling for that trick. I couldn't wait to drop her off at the rehearsal to get a break from her! As mean or ugly that sounds, it was how I felt on Wednesday afternoon.

Wes and I attended the prayer meeting, which consisted of us being the "prayer time hoggers"-you know those people! The ones that dominate the prayer time with all of their personal problems. After the meeting we went to pick up Smalls.

The worst is yet to come...

The teacher tells all the children in her group to come at 4:30 on the following Sunday for the very last rehearsal before the play. I asked Smalls what time she need to be there and Smalls told me 39 (umm...that's not a real time?). I informed Smalls that 39 is not a time and she needed to go ask the teacher what time she needed to be there. The teacher told us to come at 5:30 (30 minutes before the play) unless she could behave herself and not be disruptive, then she could come at 4:30 like the other kids in her group. I felt like I just got punched in the stomach again! I had no idea Smalls had been disruptive. I left church balling in tears. How could this be? I have done everything in my power to teach her respect and obedience and it still isn't enough.

I can't take any more abuse from Smalls. I need to figure out a way to be Smalls' mom and not lose my sanity in the process. If anyone has gone down this road before me, please give me some advice. I can't cry everyday, that's not healthy or normal parenting!

We continue on the week with ups and downs. Thursday and Friday went ok. Saturday went extremely well. Smalls was a happy 10 year old.

And then Sunday...The day of the play has finally arrived.

Smalls refused to get out of bed and get ready for Sunday morning church. Her behavior was extreme again. We couldn't reason with her. All we could do is make sure she didn't hurt herself, others or property. It's hard trying to get ready for church when a child is raging! We want to be connecting to her during her behavioral issues but it was very hard to maintain self control, for me at least. I just wanted to lock her in her room and go to church without her. Wes is very good at showing patience. He can look so calm and cool but on the inside he is loosing it. I can't do that. I show my emotions immediately. We were a little late for church, but we, all three of us, made it! We attended the morning service, ate, and then went home.

I decided that we were not going to the early rehearsal at 4:30 because you can not be logical with an illogical person. We showed up at 5:30 and Smalls refused to get on stage. I sat her in my arms rocking her like a baby. We had regressed that far. The teacher wondered why Smalls wasn't up on the stage like the rest of the children. I don't think she knew about where Smalls has come from or where she started in life. I made sure that the children's minister and her Sunday school teacher knew about Smalls' beginnings with a letter about some of the details. Next time I'm just going to print this letter out for every adult who is teaching Smalls. After 20 minutes of talking to Smalls about getting up on the stage with the other kids, she took the plunge and did it. She said her line the best she could and she did great. After it was over, she said she had so much fun and she can't wait to do it next year. Secretly, I was thinking "over my dead body, we are never doing this again".

Sunday night came and we put Smalls into bed and I crashed on my bed. I was completely exhausted from all of the torture. A kid who has gone through trauma does not just "have an temper tantrum or a meltdown". Kids from the hard places have extreme rages that can not be dealt with logically. You can't just give them some candy to calm them down. And this is why I have so much gray hair now!

This week has been a little better. We are still having some issues, but they are manageable. I am praying that I learn how to be a parent to Smalls without losing or letting it take a toll on my physical and emotional well being. Smalls needs me to be there for her but she also needs me to not let her behavior affect my well being.

So loving a child who doesn't like you or wants to love you is very hard....and it makes me cry (a lot).

No comments:

Post a Comment